Australian woman reveals the disastrous text message she accidentally sent Kelly Slater…twice…after an intimate shower date, “I felt sick!”

“A coffee table. A square. No, rectangle. No, shaped like a…surfboard? His mind was whirling like a Breitling.

A harsh white sun broke through the blinds of the marketing department on Monday morning. A pair of executives sat comfortably on a Finnala© faux leather three-seat sectional sofa (available in black, tan sherpa; pull-out, $2,455).

Facing them is Rob Machado, former world number two in surfing and environmentalist, sipping coffee from his Kejserlig© mug (black, gray, clay; $4.99/pack of 2).

“Do you find the place OK, Rob?” »

“Yeah, I saw those bright blue and yellow flags out front. It’s cool that you support Ukraine.

The executives met their eyes and then returned to Machado.

“Hunger?” the executive asked as she handed a plate of Huvodroll© ($7.99/12) meatballs to Rob.

“I’m vegan.”

The executives knowingly winked at each other and stretched another arrangement of Varldsklok© vegetable hash balls across the glass table.

“What do you think of these? They’re durable!” exclaimed the executive.

“What does it mean?” Machado asked, raising an eyebrow.

The executives leaned forward.

“That’s why we brought you here, Rob. We dream of a new entirely sustainable line inspired by surfing: furniture, kitchen utensils, beach equipment. And we think you’re the perfect person for a collaboration. Full partners, IKEA, the WSL and you, from the forest to the ground.

Rob, drawing fingers to lips, questioned the proposal. “Ikea uses precious wood to make its products, doesn’t it? »

As one executive rubbed their hands in a nervous ball, the other replied, “Yeah, but it’s all sealed in plastic.”


Seemingly relaxed, Rob slipped on his sandals and slid his toes through the plush Langsted© rug (low-pile, non-slippery; $49.99).

“We want to collaborate for the same reason Dockers partnered with Jon Rose’s Waves for Water. I mean, who doesn’t want – no, need – access to affordable pants in drought-stricken parts of the world? »

The other executive added: “We want to collaborate with you for the same reason Breitling nabbed Kelly for his intimate knowledge of watch movements.”

The room went silent as if chloroformed.

Dropping their smiles, the executives explained. “You see, Rob, our business is much more than disposable furniture. We care about the environment and those who live in it. Have you ever visited IKEA in San Diego?”

“Fenton Parkway?” Sure. And I’ve always dreamed of cruising north for a few hours to the Costa Mesa store in my converted van.

The executive started painting a picture of Rob. “When you walk into the IKEA in San Diego, you see people from all walks of life: old, young, rich, semi-rich. Everyone is there, of all colors, walking in perfect harmony, perpetually. it’s about multicultural sustainability for people and for the planet.

“You should open one in Kharkiv,” Rob said innocently.

The executive spoke straight into Rob’s eyes. “So far we have a few things in the works, but we’re stuck. For example, take a look at this.

Executives rolled out a prototype Kaseberga © beach blanket on the table, plain white.

“Now, Rob, we want something that screams ‘SURFBOARDING!’ Tell us: what should we do with this cover?”

Machado studied the fabric like a surgeon reading an x-ray, moving his eyes around the four corners of the terry cloth monolith.

“I’m thinking of the floral print.”

The executives pumped their fists in unison.

“YES! That’s exactly why we brought you here, Mr. Machado. Now keep the flow here. Keep rolling.

They made bicycle crank circles with their hands.

“What’s on your mind for the collection?”

Rob crossed his arms, looked up at the ceiling, then spoke slowly, carefully.

“A coffee table. A square. No, rectangle. No, shaped like a…surfboard? His mind was whirling like a Breitling.

“Oh, that’s beautiful, Rob,” one of the executives exclaimed. “Beautiful. A table that looks like a surfboard.

A drum roll and a table trumpet sounded from the executives. “Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the Kaseberga© surfboard coffee table (bamboo, wire base, $99.99)!”

For the next four hours, the team pored over new Surf-Core Line designs. They sketched, they struggled, they questioned, pushing the boundaries of design, taste and ethics. Ultimately, each piece in the collection was determined to have a floral print. They also came up with the idea of ​​a charcoal barbecue, also with a floral print.

Rob, exhausted, fell back in his chair.

“It’s all great, guys. But is it sustainable?

Confused, the executives threw their palms up.

“We are past that. Everything comes from the trees we cut down and what can be, will be, wrapped in plastic.

“That’s not enough. I’m sorry.”

“Mr. Machado, what do you mean?

“You know, sustainable. Royalties in perpetuity.

The trio burst out laughing.

“Now, how about taking some plant hash balls and driving to Costa Mesa in this conversion pickup truck (Dodge, 1978, 7 mpg.).”

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