Johnny Utah’s guaranteed predictions for 2022

Bonus Prediction: Your friend will pretend he was shot when this is what really happened. Photo: Unsplash


You want to know a really great thing about posting an article on “Bold predictions for a whole new year” the 31st of December ? Anybody is never held responsible for screwing them up. Either way, you’ll have them all forgotten by January 15, and you certainly aren’t going to be rummaging through the dark corners of the internet archives after next Christmas. It’s the least important task to take in the super trivial world of internet publishing – the same place we’ve all learned that you can now shout out any information you want without that information needing to be shouted out. be factual.

Years ago, every surf pub on the planet made such bold and courageous annual predictions as “Dane Reynolds will win x world titles” or “Kelly Slater will hang them up at last”. I checked this out and no one has ever been fired for these obtuse allegations which only proves my point. So speaking of the devil, I’m inspired to give you predictions that you can absolutely rely on in 2022. None of that bold, wacky bullshit. Take them to the bank. For example…

Kelly Slater will be asked about her retirement

Kelly is 70 years old now. At least. But here is the thing that people easily forget when the Kelly-Throws-In-the-Towel speculation begins… he has already retired a long time ago.

This three-year hiatus at the height of the boy band era added at least as many World Tour campaigns to the end of its run. So every time Kelly says he’s retiring, we should continue three years before it takes off towards sunset. Add an extra year for each new board he designs and launches, subtract the emotional toll from The ultimate surfer cameos left on his contract, but then add one to three more comps for each year since he last had hair, and Kelly Slater still has plenty in the tank.

Still, the guy could stop at any time. Or never. It doesn’t matter which one comes first. Maybe he’s just waiting for Tom Brady to bow out first. One thing I can guarantee, however, is that about six out of five conversations Kelly has with a member of the media will include the question.

Gabriel Medina is going to enrage surfers by doing something none of them would ever do, or could ever do

Do you know what annoys surf fans? Gabriel Medina. Do you know what angers them even more than Gabriel Medina? Gabriel Medina does things in surf competitions that no surfer would ever do, under any circumstance. Never.

If there is one group of humans on the planet who can and should criticize others, it is those who watch professional surfing. They are fair. They are infallible. This is exactly why they hate Gabriel Medina’s smirk with the fury of a thousand angry locals.

Gabby might even take off in 2022. And you’d think that would put my prediction on shaky ground, but alas, I’m going to take your doubt and elevate you logically: what kind of terrible person wins three world titles and then treats the next year as a victory lap? Oh, the nerve.

The tide will oscillate once or twice a day

Climate change? Pffff….

Some people want you to panic about the latest and greatest headlines from “Hottest Day on Record”, or any estimate that our planet has about 37 months in the reservoir.

Not me. I wave my finger at you. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect Mother Earth to feed our population as we make our way to 10 billion people. She has enough resources for at least that. And as such, the Earth will continue to rotate, the sun will rise, and the tides will oscillate once or twice a day. Damn, I think she can handle another 10 billion humans after that. Which brings me to another perfectly reliable prediction for 2022 …

The crowds will suck. And people will complain about them

Crowded queues are a whole new thing. As such, we should all be spending the whole of 2022 complaining about their worsening condition day in and day out.

Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in satirical works. More of his investigative work can be found here.

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