The 1% are heading towards Cayucos

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July 14, 2021

Rendering of the resort project in Cayucos

Editor’s Note: The following series, “Life in Radially Gentrifying Cayucos by the Sea,” which will be released bi-weekly includes notes, thoughts, and opinions from an original American voice: author Dell Franklin.

Franklin’s memoir, “Life On The Mississippi, 1969,” is currently on Amazon.

By DELL FRANKLIN

This new project to build a luxury hotel on the cliff above Cayucos marks the start of the Cayucos invasion by the one percent and inevitably turns it into a playground for the really, really, really super rich.

Over the past ten to fifteen years, the five and ten percent have done their best to turn this latest little seaside town with a smokehouse and splash of ne’er-do-wells into something more appropriate for people. with so much money that they don’t have I don’t know what to do with it and are so deeply rooted in luxury that they have lost all trace of reality and humanity.

That one percent watered the economy during the pandemic, the rich getting richer and richer, the poor getting poorer, and they came together and tried to figure out how they can make even more money and create even more luxury for themselves and their friends, always at the expense of bottom feeders.

They check out Cayucos, which now has to be a different kind of destination, supposedly for people like those on the Beverly Hills Housewives reality show and their likenesses aspiring to such levels of fame and greatness.

I can see it now, years later, when high end healing retreats replace the inland ranches off Cayucos Creek Road, and some of the dingy old motels are razed and replaced with four star monstrosities. , and two and three lots at a time are purchased on the Pacific so that that one percent has enough space for eight bedrooms and nine bathrooms and movie theaters, gymnasiums, spas, wine cellars and swimming pools, etc. , so that they can entertain guests three or four times a year when they are not in their mansions in Aspen or the Hamptons or Beverly Hills or the Riviera in France.

I can see the housewives of Beverly Hills screaming at their docile and powerful husbands, “Honey, where do we do our shopping? Have you seen what they have in this junkyard: surf shops and antique shops! Tack-eee.

“Well, honey, Cambria has some nice shops…”

“No. Can we charter a plane and go shopping in Santa Barbara, say Montecito?

“Of course, baby, of course.”

“And where do we eat? I’ve wandered around this Sea Shanty, and the men in there seem like they haven’t gone a day in their lives without eating two pounds of meat! And the women, they look like they’re stepping out of the old Gunsmoke series.

“Now now.”

Everything will be leveled when these one percent, bored and not rich enough, set their foot on Cayucos. The Okie Spawn of the Valley won’t want to spend five hundred dollars a night, will have to pitch tents on the beach, but there will be so many new laws cropping up on ubiquitous signs that they might not be able to get by. get drunk and no longer frolic like loons on the beach, let alone allow their dogs to roam free.

The police will have a say in the protection of the one by center, even if they are absent 90% of the time.

Because the one percent insist on having full control and setting the rules once they take power, once they buy the politicians and everyone else in their path.

Lack of water? No problem. Landfill? No problem.

There will be stop lights, at least two. Tanning salons. One of the big rollers and dealers will make a call after the women look up at our food establishments and say, “Honey, please call Wolfgang and see if he can build a number eight Spago.” . Honestly, we need one.

“Got it, baby. This seedy tavern on the main street looks perfect for a renovation. Puck has me on his phone, answers right away, no matter how busy he is.

Ahh yeah, a Spago in Cayucos, so diet-crazed, Botox-stuffed housewives can have a place to argue, throw $ 100 a bottle wine in their faces, sob inconsolably, hold a grudge, put on makeup and go on. with their absurdity as their chambermaids and guards get off the buses in Atascadero and Paso Robles.

Why will this new luxury hotel have its own restaurant and market? Make a guess. And a bar. Right now it would be nice to see Bruce at Beach Bum get a liquor license, but it’s not a percent, he’s just a guy trying to get things done and I’m sure his clientele would feel pretty disgusted watching the real housewives of America tossing food into Spago number eight.

This land is our land, peons, live with it.


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