The world’s tallest waterman, Kai Lenny, leads the second most exciting surf sidekick of all time at Big Jaws: “I’M GONNA BE A GIRL DAD !!”
The ranch. This Shangri-La magical surf. Surfline Man has never been to the Ranch!
Surfline Man is so bored.
It is already October and so far the winter swells are not even happening. Every morning he opens his laptop and scans the forecast. Maybe this time there will be another swell. But no, not yet. And every night he repeats the same ritual once more.
Still no waves.
That big winter swell that pissed off Surfline Man like he needed to get in shape and needed a new board, that thing was gone on the model’s very next run. Here today, gone tomorrow. The surf forecast like life and pretty girl in Swamis parking lot is so cruel.
On the plus side, Surfline Man now has a lot more time to get in shape and figure out the whole progression equation. More rocker, less rocker, Surfline Man has no idea what to do. Surfboards can be so confusing.
In the meantime, Surfline Man rides his goldfish every day. But he feels like he needs better waves to make his new board shine. And he wants it to shine.
For one thing, he waited months and months for Mike the Shaper to make his new goldfish for him. But also, why surf, if it is not going to amaze everyone?
If he’s honest, he knows he has a long way to go before he can hope to achieve this level of surfing excellence.
But Surfline Man is determined. He is ready to do the job.
Surfline Man even went for a run in his old Vans and almost passed out on the sidewalk in Cardiff. A tough time, sure, but he’s a lot fitter now. Yesterday he drove five blocks before he almost passed out. True physical form is so close now.
If only the waves would finally show. Where are they hiding? Please come soon, waves!
Sitting outside the Pannikin, Surfline Man browses the forecast in a rambling fashion. He’s supposed to be making a website for a friend, but he just doesn’t feel like it. Even coffee doesn’t do it for him today. Life is so boring.
Then his phone rings.
Hey brother what’s up
just had a new zodiac
i will take her to the ranch this weekend
want to join?
The ranch. This Shangri-La magical surf. Surfline Man has never been to the Ranch, but he dreamed of it so many times. All those kilometers of empty coast. So many settings, so many waves. All this, forbidden fruit, hanging out of reach.
But now Surfline Man has a chance to go to the Ranch. Surfline Man sits up in his chair. Suddenly the coffee tastes so much better. Finally, he can find waves worthy of his new fish. The whole world looks brighter. Day, done.
He picks up his phone and types in an answer.
yeah i would be so happy
what is the plan
Coffee finished and texts exchanged, Surfline Man jumps on his Sprinter and goes home. That website he might be building? It can totally wait. Surfline Man has much more important things to do.
Surfline Man goes to the Ranch! It’s gonna be such an adventure. First, he’s going to spend the night in his van in Ventura. Then, he will ride with his friends in the new Zodiac to the Ranch. They are going to score such good waves. It will be the best trip ever!
Back home, Surfline Man heads to the kitchen to check his stock of avocados. He’s got to do a Whole Foods run. No more mac and cheese, no doubt.
Also, surf wax. Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s running out. He also intended to change the fins of his fish. But there are only a certain number of hours in the day, you know? A man cannot do everything.
Supplies assembled, Surfline Man meticulously packs the Sprinter for his great adventure. He stuffs a wetsuit, towel, cool changing poncho and his surf wax lucky bar into his new Da Kine dry bag. With a carabiner, he attaches his favorite navy Hydroflask to a handy external strap. He slips a Clif Bar into his pocket. It’s so good to be prepared.
Surfline Man loves his comfort and he lovingly spreads his Big Agnes 20 degree sleeping bag on the back of the van. He’s grabbed some shipping long leggings from Patagonia, and he’s going to be so comfortable in his van. He can’t even wait.
Surfline Man almost forgot the most important part. He’s not sure how many boards he can really put in the Zodiac, but he thinks it’s good to be prepared. He slips his new fish and his precious mid-length turquoise into the van. Just Surfline Man and his surfboards, spending the night together.
Spending the night turns out to be more complicated than Surfline Man expected. On the one hand, he left town late. He kept forgetting things, important things like his new wax comb he bought yesterday at the surf store.
Then there was sort of a situation on the 405. Surfline Man doesn’t even know what it was. Highways, they make surf forecasts reliable.
When he got to Ventura, there was no more parking. Surfline Man couldn’t believe it. What the hell was he going to do now? He decided to continue driving.
Somewhere north of Santa Barbara, Surfline Man finds an outlet. It’s actually west of Santa Barbara, but really, Surfline Man can’t be bothered by the directions at this point. He’s not even sure it’s a legal place to camp, but he’s not about to be picky.
Surfline Man swallows his mac and cheese, pulls on his long johns and settles into his comfy down bag. The van swings as the big platforms go past. Surfline Man convinces himself that the whole situation is relaxing. It almost works.
Around two in the morning, a freight train hurtles down the neighboring tracks. Surfline Man sits upright in his comfortable bed. He can’t even imagine what monster could befall him! He points carefully out the window. A line of boxcars runs as far as the eye can see. There is no sleep now.
After dozing off, Surfline Man wakes up late. Shit! It will be so late to find his friends and the Zodiac at the Gaviota pier. He’s never gonna make it to the Ranch now!
In a hurry, Surfline Man brews coffee and heats up a breakfast burrito. He pours the coffee into his favorite Yeti cup and inhales the burrito. The sun is already rising! Surfline Man has to hit the road.
Somehow it’s parked on the south side of 101, and Surfline Man doesn’t even remember what happened. Surfline Man has no choice but to drive south. His panic grew. He drives so far! And there is nowhere to turn to!
Finally, Surfline Man sees an offramp. Goleta! He’s back in Goleta. This is not the Gaviota pier where the Zodiac waits. Surfline Man knows he isn’t the smartest ever, but even he knows the difference between Goleta and Gaviota.
Resolutely, Surfline Man turns north or west or any direction, and comes back on 101. He’s going to go to Gaviota, and he’s going to surf the Ranch! Nothing more can go wrong with this, Surfline Man is sure of it.
Singing to the Beach Boys, Surfline Man is piloting the Sprinter along 101. Surfline Man has been in a retro mood lately. Maybe he should learn to longboard. Crossing. The toes on the nose. Yeah, that could be cool.
Lost in thought, Surfline Man completely misses the left turn to Gaviota State Beach. It is not entirely his fault. No one expects to turn left on the freeway after all.
The 101 serpentines cross the Gaviota pass and Surfline Man follows him. So confident in his navigation abilities, Surfline Man turned off his Garmin in Goleta. The road begins to climb and, happy with his Beach Boy-induced haze, Surfline Man continues to drive.
Exit Highway 1. Sounds good. Surfline Man turns west. Everyone knows that the ocean is to the west. Surfline Man is now totally on the right track.
Singing happily to Good Vibrations, Surfline Man winds his way down the winding road to the coast. He’s gonna get there so much now! He’s going to ride the Ranch on his new goldfish that Mike the Shaper made just for him. It will be the best day ever!
His phone is vibrating.
man where are you
we are all here
ready to launch
you should have been here hours ago